Becky M. S.
More than a Dream
By Becky MS
This time with you is amazing
It seesm like a dream
You make me feel so special-
Please be more than just misty streams
Love me forever
Or leave me now
As I take all or nothing
And I can't believe I'm here now
If this a dream
Please don't wake me up
Let me sleep a smile on my face
and content as fuzzy pup
If this reality
Then please don't let me lose you
It's so much like a dream
And you're one of a kind
And moments like these are few
Please don't let me lose.
Thank you Jesus
For this gift
You watch over me
And always give me a lift
Words come back
As emotions flood
The damn of an empty conclusion
The screen screams emotion
With no sound
An adulterated invitation
To bring to wounded souls
Salt falls away
As everything comes back
Like it was just yesterday.
Fears that she can't change
Fears that she give up
As she realizes she gives in
Only to know what she could lose again
If she doesn't give into his demands,
Is his gain worth losing herself?
She wants to see him at least once last time,
"Yes, I'll give in."
As a piece of her soul
Deflates its strength.
Few words pass
Small awkward moment
As they move into action
Like many times before
Still made her knees buckle.
She is gentle at first,
Passion adds possession.
His gentleness is masked
With a soul-crushing mental pain.
His passion adds a physical pain.
He corrects it with pleasure.
She is weak under him.
He stops with a release.
He then just stops
As if to ponder,
What is he really doing there?
A wish with in her soul
That time would stop
It ended as fast as it started.
A smoke cloud of sweet smoke
End the visit.
A few word are exchanged
With a small kiss.
Becky M. S. All Writings were written 10/3/2006
She sits at the creek
What is he doing?
Is he happy?
Has he found someone else?
She remembers kissing the stranger
Introduced by a friend who
Thought they knew her—
they did not know her at all.
The kiss was nothing . . .
There was nothing.
Tears fall as reality hit her . . .
She lost him.
The only thing she could do now is . . .
Wish on every star that he'll find happiness.
All she ever wanted was for him to be happy.
Becky M. S. written 8/31/2006
Pieces of Her
She was always a special person
She always tried to put other before herself
She had hopes and dreams
She had morals and beliefs
And now all is a pile of chaos
Like a tangled ball of yarn
She gave herself away
She turn against her friends
To please him
And now she's alone.
She left him, because she hated herself.
She was confused:
How she could hate herself, but love him?
How could she ever treat him well,
If she hurt herself?
How she could she ever make him happy,
If happiness to her was an illusion?
How could she tell him to give up anything,
When she didn't want to give anything?
How could he love her when she was weak,
When she wasn't herself?
She stood in confusion . . .
Looking for all the piece of her
To make her whole again
As she realized,
He still had the most important thing . . .
The bud rolled on her lips
The flavored, hazy air
Filled her mouth
And flew out
A discolored cloud
Of a grayish black
The same color of her heart currently
Her tongue tasted the misty drag
As she thought of him
She closes her eyes as she inhaled
She remembered the way he normally tasted
When she kissed him.
And then sighed as she flicked the ashes
As soon as the cigarette was finish
She would close her mouth to see how long
She can still taste him
Just so she can remember.
Becky M. S. All Writings were written 8/26/2006
A letter was written
Depression hits hard
As life goes on . . .
And time goes on . . .
Bring a conclusion:
No mood changing liquids
And no mind altering drugs
And she must keep busy with school and work.
Friends offer to go out,
She thinks of him,
And condemns herself
As she ponders . . .
Exactly why she did what she did?
She honestly thought
She didn't make him happy as . . .
He stopped visiting her.
He didn't want her to visit him.
He didn't want her to call. (Call as much)
And he stopped saying,
"I love you."
She thought he found someone else
To enlighten his fancy,
To challenge his intelligence,
To steal his heart,
To borrow his time,
Since she didn't speak with him as much
Her imagination took the worst in her,
And created a letter with an wrongful impulse.
An impulse now she regrets.
Now she stands alone in frustrating regret
As she regrets her imaginative frustration.
If for a few moments
A few nobodies made her feel
Like a somebody,
Then emotion has stabbed and twisted
All logical and moral ideas
Left in a harsh reality.
And any hope that honesty and belief
Would conquer has been lost
In the scrolls along with
The gullible souls
That only knew who they were
By a book written by something
For humans to blame when they were worried.
Addictions of Acceptance
It's hard to get out.
And once the mind has wrongly focused:
Anything that doesn't work is completely gone—out!
As morals are washed with dirty water,
As guilty acts are asked and accomplished . . .
All is lost.
There are no laws covering acceptance
Except harsh notifications of illegal suggestions always done.
It is always done for the sake of the acceptation.
It's a cycle—it doesn't stop!
She did things she didn't like.
She wanted acceptation.
The more things she did,
The more she believed the lies they fed her.
The lies were fed with a silver spoon.
She did things:
Like giving to the number
Believing they all backed her
Except they all ran
When the lights showed
The true colors: blue and red.
As the light cornered her
In tears of false acceptance
Caused the authority to laugh.
No trust is left in the truth!
Two males supposed to have respected her . . .
Supposed to have listened to her story:
All is lost
As they call her a lair
In the mist of the truth.
By believing the lying numbers
They corner her . . .
In an enclosing room:
Getting smaller and smaller.
As her eyes rain
Wishing for an acceptance of her truth
And not to believe
The deceiving demons with flesh,
This isn't a honest girl's world.
She takes punishment for demon's crimes.
She also learns not to trust . . . anyone!
(Anyone good or bad!)
They'll all deceive her,
And they'll all leave her . . . cold and alone!
As they blame her
For everything wrong.
They are right.
She is wrong.
Badges are good.
She is bad.
She is a honest whore.
She is a stupid bitch.
She is a damn tease.
She is a plain nothing.
She is the one
Who deserves all the blame!
All because she wanted to be accepted.
They know . . .
She was gone:
Tell more people
Don't lie—break the truth!
Blame it all on her
Make it a conspiracy
Let people think
The badges are doing something
Who would care if it effects her future.
She'll be a fat nothing her whole life.
"She's a horrible person."
As they plaster her ugly picture.
Papers tell everyone,
"She's the bad girl."
Don't hire her.
She'll hurt your friends.
Don't let her in:
She works with Satan.
It's all lies.
They never kept the story straight.
Even though it's all lies:
Media ruins a girl
So the badges look good
And get the damn holiday ham.
She left to come
To a different world
No one looks at her the same:
"What did you do?"
Whispered among the questioning citizens.
Threats were common.
(Why threaten a girl who wouldn't want to harm anyone?)
She was home bound by fear.
Fear of the stares and questions:
"Why did you do it?"
Blame ran high
Flowing from a false media,
Which had defeated
A weaponless, honest girl.
A corrupt society ruined yet another young soul.
Does happiness truly come by making something else depressed?
A cold, dirty bath:
And of a society where innocence is jailed,
While the guilty go free.
(If you have the right numbers.)
There is no moral.
As time flies by—only in a perfect world.
Now she's just in a pre-hell
As she sits and waits:
Like a waiting room
For the worst shot in her life.
And it's not a drug—
It's a punishment.
A punishment for a corrupt honesty.
She needed support—
He said what she needed to hear.
He made false promises,
She gave up herself momentarily.
He gave her scars
She gave him
Her beliefs in trade
For a manipulating support.
She was gullible
And her heart never fully recovered.
She left him . . .
As she was confused over everything:
From morals to logic
From Emotions to beliefs
All was chaos.
She'll never be as sweet as she was—
All is lost!
Morals fall like pennies
In a dark fountain
Just to disappear into the darkness
Lust and greed conquer all innocence.
Confusion strangles all hope.
Desperation falls over harden souls,
And grows in illegal activity:
No way to goodness
No way to evil
When a soul just stands there.
When morals are in the way.
Just a clear path
To destroy a soul.
Society is proud—
Of the wrongful accomplishment.
Minor chords lightly strum
As a cold, sad song is played—
For the death of innocence
Is wept by angels looking below.
Becky M.S. All Writings were written 8/21/2006
Time moves over her soul
Corroding her morals
Like glass on a sandy beach . . .
No more guilt
No more peace
Just emotional turmoil.
As goals don't change,
But the innocence behind them does.
Empty time of no right or wrong
As demons laugh
For their quest is complete
In boredom of empty time.
Empty time smothers
All right ideas
Of all the mistakes
Causing only sinful regret.
Becky M. S. Written 8/20/2006
For a moment if only that long,
She felt . . .
She could defy all laws
And prove all dead souls wrong.
Her soul weeps
As her hormones leave her shocked . . .
A real corpse.
She was tired, but her body still going on.
Morals were for from
No actual thought
No pressured gravity.
In her false reality,
No emotion or idea
Immorality is confusion.
Blessed building of brainwashing power
Smiles plastered on holy masks
A few lives stolen.
A few souls corrupted.
Time is wasted as a false fire of an irrational lie
That sin causes instant death—No!
Not death . . .
But instant change to an ever changing, polluted reality.
Pure fear causes irrational fire of unclean, gullible souls.
No one knows any different
As it is washed away by society.
Becky M. S. All Writings were written 8/17/2006
It started a year ago . . .
With a laugh,
Deceiving words of encouragement,
The promise of not getting caught,
And the morals fighting the hormones.
Two kids at a creek of
Different live styles
Different moral issues.
Innocence had been broken by a wrongful kiss.
Innocence had been washed away by a swallow.
Corruption cracks the moral foundation.
A longing still lingers in the shadows.
A whisper follows in action
Law defies age.
And fun defies law.
A pure rush is apart of the thrill.
Emotion is far from the immature boy
For it races in the woman's head.
She just wanted to be accepted . . .
Just to be loved.
He just wanted a momentarily stress release.
To him, she was just another trophy of pureness . . .
To be destroyed . . .
A fat, ugly trophy
(That doesn't matter, just use a pillow)
She was tight and untouched.
He made her feel momentarily accepted (a fake acceptance) . . .
Just to take advantage of her tightest in the pure deception.
Taking over the little trust she had . . . she ever had.
All she ever had was a little trust . . .
And now it was all gone.
Deception killed her:
All of it was a decoy.
Fake encouragement flowed from his mouth.
She wanted to be accepted, and loved.
She wanted the same thing
Everyone else was talking about.
He ask if she wanted to . . .
She said no in her weaken, drunken state.
She wasn't sure if he was the one
She truly wanted to share this with.
He tried to talk her down.
She said no again.
Blurred memories follow
As blackness is created by a pillow
He didn't want to see her face.
A pitching pain followed in a private area.
Scared, she secretly cried.
She was truly confused.
Is it okay to let the hormones take over?
A few more motions happen
Her body was in a wave of unacceptable indulgence
A sudden stop . . .
He stands up.
She feels cold and alone.
Brown eyes of youth and a wild spirit
Untamed and lost saw the first sight
Of the palest pieces of her
The parts that never saw much light
Nor other human eyes see before
Fear and excitement
As his frown made her want to cry
And regret the rest of her life.
He regretted touching her
And hated his hormones for winning the fight.
She hated him fir taking the best part of her away.
She'll never forgive him.
He took it all away from her.
He left her empty with
Upon her soul.
And a moment of regret she wished
She could take back.
She feels so small, so invisible,
As if there is nothing, but regret
Like a flower without color
On the sunniest day
That withered over
The dead thoughts . . .
Becky M. S. All Writings were written 8/14/2006
Bus Notes: Morning Notes
It's 8:15 AM and I'm in a very busy bus station . . . I'm very tired and trying not to cry . . . it's nothing bad except I miss him.
I had probably had one of the most incredible night in my life (other have my dreams come true of getting a music recording deal or winning an ocsar for my awesome scripts.)
I had clean/dirty fun with a gentle, caring, kind man who thinks I'm the next big thing since sliced bread. It is nice to know that someone cares about me that much.
It was weird I thought I would be nervous, but he was probably only person that I'm not related to that I was instantly comfortable with. I mean a very little nervous until saw is truck without him, and then we met and it just clicked. It was like I knew him. I know we've been talking on the phone for awhile, but it was like come connection that I can't explain. It was awesome.
He was just a person I felt I like could be me, and not worry if he was going to critise me for being crazy, or giggly or happy. I really liked it.
I'm so tired, I just want to crash, even with a few naps. I'm still tired. It's hard to sleep on a bus, I'm afraid I would sleep right through and miss my stop.
I just travelled 662 miles within 2.5 days and it's really exhausting, but I love it. I loved getting to know different people and finally meeting the love of my life and hopefully my soulmate.
I'm sitting here at Denny's at 11:30 at night wondering if I should attempt to run my brain on my writing or should I call it a hopeless cause.
All I can think about is Brad, and my happiest moment yesterday was laying on his chest hearing his heartbeat as he would glide finger down my back as we were just talking.
I love the fact that he's emotionally verbally, and phsyically affectionate . . . maybe he can break down some of my many wall with my self esteem issues, and help to express myself most affectionately.
I love the fact that has this spark about him . . . he love to encourage and cheer others up. (I think I had that spark at one part of my life too, but life really had wore me down.) I mean it was so sweet, and cool how just had a conversation with the workers at the "Waffle House." That is exactly why he get free food from people at Taco bell or why people at Denny like him to come in so much. I find that quaility so awesome.
I love the fact that he accepts me for me, his requests are realistic (massages, not having me make out with chick), and that he want to please me. (I'm not sure about the last one, sometimes I don't feel like deserved to get spoiled like that. I also want him to be happy.
He is truly the sweetest guy I've ever met, and I'n ot sure how I get so lucky to be with him. He really does have a cute smile, long eyes lashes, and is just adorable.
I must stop writing now, the food is here.
Just wants a friend
Wants to see her beloved again
Feels all wrong
Sings no song
Used to be kind
Will never lie
Why not me?
He blows me off when, I’ve cried
They cry and he’s by their side
I want to see him and there is excuse after excuse
But for them, hell never refuse
I’ve been there for his beck and call
But he’s never caught any of my falls
Why not me?
He used to be excited and sweet
But now it’s like pulling teeth
I think they get his better side
While Imp just thrown aside
If Imp in tears I wait
But with them he doesn’t hesitate
Why not me?
He’s silent when I ask him why?
I want an answer, even if he just denies.
I want to feel loved accepted
But they’ll seem to get the better treatment
He promised me a lot of things that I haven’t seen
I just want to know it’s all them and not me
Why not me?
Do I have to be hospitalized for him to notice me?
Because when they cry his at their need
I gave up my dreams, my friends, and my religion
But I told him to keep on going.
Now Imp lost and alone
And he doesn’t even want me to call him on the phone.
Why not me?
I love him and I always will
But maybe he’s lost too I can’t tell.
I’ve had a lot of time to think and now I know
I rather be just friends, then letting go!
The Lonely Truth
I just ever wanted a friend
Someone to hangout with
And I knew that he would have changed,
I would have never done it.
He was everything I wanted at one time,
But then he made me change
And now he barely speaks to me
I feel Imp out of his range.
I wanted to sing and dance
But he told no
I want romance
Where did it go?
I want to be social
With laughter all about
But he broke the bubble
And now Imp all out
I just wanted to be accepted and loved
But I just so alone
Imp really depressed
And I don’t know what is home
I shouldn’t have changed
In fear we would end
I just wanted to be me
And have a friend.
Becky M. S. All writing written on