July Poetry 2007 Part 2

July Poetry 
Becky M. S. 
Copyrighted 2007

Smoky Death
 
She sat in the small bathroom
With two lighter
And a box of cigs
This is her story
This is what she did
 
She was not the prettiest
Or the very best
She never stuck out
From any of the rest
 
She was attractive
But she was a bitch to all
She thought one person knew her
But that was her fall
 
He was between relationships
And she was joke
He got her for the sex
He even got her to smoke
 
She thought he really loved her
But it was all a lie
He never cared for her
Even when she cried
 
Her only physical memory
Of him was the smoke
By her 12th cigarette
She started to choke
 
She wasn’t going to quit
Not when it was her fault
Smoking was just all her wounds
Covered deep in salt
 
He said he loved her
And she truly believed
But then he completely hurt her
She was totally deceived
 
She cut herself by his exact words
As it was what he wanted
Now’s he’s getting married to someone else
And she feels he’s taught it
 
So now it’s all gone
No one left in her life
To stop all of her pain
To call all of her strife
 
The air is gone
The love is not there
She is dead
And no one cared!
Heartache
 
Darkness
Hatred
Fear
Lust
Pain
Shadows
Games
Regret
Disgust
Pain
Hopelessness
Cuts
Blood
Force
Lies
Strain
Fuck
Depression
Sex
Fake
Words
Tears
Sobs
Death
Thoughts
Chocolate
Worthless
Useless
Alcohol
Realization
Memories
All
Alone
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed

July Poetry 2007 Part 1

July Poetry
Becky M.S.
© 2007
 
7/3/2007
 
 
Empty Skeptic
 
Like bottle with no beer
I feel empty inside
Like a skeptic
With nothing to hide
 
Nothing feels right anymore
Did he ever care?
I just need to know the truth
So I can more from here.
 
Argue
 
I argue
With myself
With a piece of me
Begging for
One moment
Of collective peace
All I can do is scream
 
Frustrations
Are calling
My names
Friends
(That’s what they call my selves)
My calling my name
In a fake voice
Of the purest deception
That I thought
At one point in my life
I truly knew myself.
All was false
 
Time is hill
Time is a space
Time is a drain
Allowing life
To fall in
A spiraling motion . . .
 
I just want it
To stop
Let me find
My own career
A car and a place
In an exciting city
May all of our
Dreams come true. . .
 
Then I woke up to realize. . .
The dreams will come true
For everyone else
But me.
 
Worship
 
Note after note
Bring a love
As it engulfs
Bringing one to its
Goosebumps
And emotional ways
 
It also brings
Hate
No charge
Fights within one’s soul
Don’t cry
Don’t weep
Don’t express these feelings now
 
Worship
Pulls in souls
Even with fighting
The frustrations,
And annoyances
 
Everything just stops
STOPS!
Stop playing
Just bring silence
Crush the holy embrace
I don’t want to be hug by cloud
Right now
 
Except in the silence
They began to pray
ERRRRR!
I don’t wan to this anymore
I don’t want to fight. . .
I just want it to stop.
I’m on strike!
 
Grey Blood
 
Smoke
Smoky air
Chokes my lung
Stings through my veins
Allows me to
Constantly taste him
For that one second
I am with him again
While he’s with someone else
I have his smoky spirit
The grey blood of the past
That haunts me in my dreams
It reminds me if him
Every time I smell smoke
Especially when I taste the smoke. . .
I know he is with someone else
But for me
I am the fat bitchy nobody
Smoke alone
Wondering if he
Really loved me?
 
Smoky Sticks
 
A stick that falls lifeless
And dies
Just like me in away—
A worthless lie
 
I inhale
And I still cough
I do breathe in
Even if it turns me off
 
I am fucked
A useless joke
Inhale some more smoke
Hopefully I’ll choke
 
An illness I am
As cancer I’ll become
Full of hate and cum
I wish I was completely numb
Just to let everyone just run.
 
 
Letting Go (dedicated to an old flame. Adam)
 
I'll never forget you
And everything thing we had done
But no you're going on
I have to say Thank you, hun.
 
If I could
I would bring the world
But time as past
And you found another girl
 
I hope she is as sweet
And she is mind
I'm glad your hearts
Are lovely intertwined
 
You were my first love
And I just want you to know
I hope you'll always be happy
And now I have to let you go.
  • Current Mood
    disappointed disappointed

June Poetry Part 2

June Poetry
Becky M.S.
© 2007
I Try
 
I try to please him
I want to make him proud
But all in all
I’m just an ear for another
Uninspiring lecture
A disappointment
 
Find a job
So I find a job
But it wasn’t
The job he wanted me to have
 
Get a car
So I found a car
But the car didn’t work
The way he wanted
 
Get a man
So I got a man
Just like him
And then I left the man
 
As I accomplish
These stepping stones
I realize
I need to do
These things
For me
Not him
 
I got a good job
I got a car
And I will eventually
Get a good guy
A nice house
And awesome life
And the best part of it
It’s all mine . . .
All I can say is . . .
I tried.
 
Haunted
 
I wrote it
Feelings released
Almost done
Almost ended
So close to
The finish line
 
And yet
Like an short orgasm
Unfinished
I stop before
I climax
Before I was satisfied
I killed it
I was almost done
Over half completed
Closer to the end
Than the beginning
 
Then there was
A twist in conflict
A turn in the plot
A person in my life
Who made me turn around?
Screw up on an impulse
A false religious notion
A mental lapse
Made me
Lose all my work
To the trash can
I lost months
For a kid
Who wasn’t even a man
Yet . . .
 
The same person
Who makes fun
Of an orgasm
Even before he truly had one
Who wants a oxymoron for a life
But has no idea what life really is
He wants money
And a family . . . (ha, Ha)
 
He acted like he cared
But now I’m all alone
With no one
And no work
No story
And it haunts me
 
It haunts me . . .
The story replays
Over in my head
Over and over
I just do not
Believe I will
Ever write it as well as
The Original
Nothing is ever better than the original.
Damn it!
 
The story
Plays in my head
Over and over again
I am being haunted
By my own work
And my own past
I am just being haunted!
 
Faded False Things
 
False things
Surround me
Hope fades
Light down
Draining all in all
Everything is quiet.
 
Twisted words
Prayers never heard
And never acknowledge
All those you seek
Are all gone
Never there when
You need them . . .
All is gone
When?
 
Time changes
Same place
Trying to corrupt
Old and stale feelings
Time flies
Bringing Nostalgia
 
Come
Brain washed followers
Believers
Sing again
Fall to your knees
Full body weight
Crush the bone
To worship a suffering deity
Give all just to
Change back again.
 
Why should I?
 
Brainwashed
Time ticks . . .
Let unseen power
Take over
 
What if I believe
For one second?
But to find out
It’s all fake—
A hoax,
A very sick thing
Just another reason
To call me a joke?
 
Why cave into
Something unseen
For nothing
To happen now?
 
If you were
A really merciful
Superior deity
Than you should have
Taken away all
Pain and suffering
And most for heartache
 
Why should I
Believe in something
That allows
Me to suffer?
 
  • Current Mood
    cynical cynical

June Poetry Part 1

June Poetry
Becky M.S.
© 2007
 
6/23/2007
Direction of down
 
Different direction
All pull me down
Like roller coasters
Without a track
I’m falling
In a fearful ride
Centered hate
Fed with fear and loneliness
It’s not the first time. .. .
I hate life.
 
Demented Twist
 
Everyone wanted me to do
Everything
A least it was
Just negative attention
That kept me going
In the twisted
Lime light
Everyone’s everything
Sounds good,
Eventually wastes away
To be purposefully sucked dry
And dry out
Any innocence
From a demented soul
All ends are just. 
 
Empty Work for a Nothing
 
You are nothing.
I am you.
I am nothing.
Even the garbage pit
Won’t hire you
Work in the oil
Work with the grease
Work with the monsters
That killed your past
And haunt your dreams
Let the oil and grease
Kill your beauty
You are ugly!
 
You are nothing . . .
Just a guilty liar
Just a fat bitch
You will never feel whole
Why try?
No one will hire you;
You are wrong.
You are a criminal.
You did it—you did it!
Even if you did not do it,
Who would believe you anyway?
It is your entire fault.
You fucked up . . . he’s free.
 
The corrupted juvenile
Is better then you.
You are a native screw up.
He can get a job in the snap
You can’t even get through an interview
You are pathetic!
Who do you think you are?
You are nothing.
You are a bum.
 
You are nothing.
You deserve nothing.
You will never be socially accepted.
Give it up.
Get over it.
Just go away!
 
 
All is darkness
 
Frustration
Hate
Hopelessness
False acceptance
False passion
Stress
Fatness
Blame
Guilt
Ugliness
“It’s all your fault!”
“You did it”
“You’re lying.”
Bitterness
Bitchiness
Abuse
Strain
Anger
Pain
Rage
No water
No Light
Coldness
Darkness
It is all that is left of me.
 
Give it up
 
It’s all your fault
You deserve nothing
You’ll never be accepted
Give it up
Give it all up
Get over it
You’re ugly
You’re fat
You’re a fat bitch
Torture is all
You’re going to get
It’s all you’ll
Ever deserve
To get screwed over
Give it up
End it all
It will never happen!
 
 
He
 
Tears me into
Guilt and Fear
Chocolate covered worry
Waiting in the car
He skulled me
Accused me of
Nothing truly proven
But all is my fault
I am guilty of it all
I pray for isolation
But that is folded up
Under a seat
And under a chain saw
Smoother in a minivan
Sliced with regret
Of just being there
It’s my fault—completely my fault
You gave them . . .
Nothing
A computer virus
A computer worm
Bring out its self-destruct button
BOOM!
Gone
I wish
Problem solved It’s all me
But it’s still
Nothing they can prove
 
Empty Trash
 
I am
A worthless
Piece of weak
Used shit
Life cycle
As follows
Stress
Horny
Eye closed
Teeth clenched
Fast fuck
Thrown out
No emotion
No trust
No names
No hope
No friend
No pure desire
Just lust
Animal lust
 
I want
To slice away
All of my inferiorities
Use me
Throw me away
I feel lifeless
Let me be numb
No feeling
Thrown in trash
Clean off with acid
To clean physical
Elements
Not emotional murdered pain
I am a hopeless case
I am nothing
Like a dirty diaper
I am thrown a side
Gone
Never to be heard from again
Frustration
Exists in
An empty soul
All is unwell.
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed

Anothe poem

More than a Dream
To Chris
By Becky MS

This time with you is amazing
It seesm like a dream
You make me feel so special-
So loved
Please be more than just misty streams

Love me forever
Or leave me now
As I take all or nothing
And I can't believe I'm here now

If this a dream
Please don't wake me up
Let me sleep a smile on my face
and content as fuzzy pup

If this reality
Then please don't let me lose you
It's so much like a dream
And you're one of a kind
And moments like these are few
Please don't let me lose.

Thank you Jesus
For this gift
You watch over me
And always give me a lift

  • Current Music
    "Turn the Page" Metallica

Tears

Tears of rages
Tear of hope
Tears of regret
Tears of pity
Tear of less vs best

Drain out of me
Pulling my emotions
Prolonging my smiles
Expaning my fears

Creating the woman within me
Making me human
Filling my stressful cracks
Tension propelling

Washing me away
Making me new
  • Current Music
    "Heaven" Zach Loomis

Right Now

worthless
and
meaningless
and
fat
and
ugly
and
gone
and
depressed
and
ending
and
sad
and
mad
and
hopeless
and
there . . .
just there . . .
Right now
  • Current Music
    Hate Me Blue October

October Poetry Part 1

Telephone Insults

The enemy called to chat with her brother
He is only trouble
She asked,
"Who is this?"
He got annoyed
She had forgotten his voice
She did that on purpose
She wanted the scoundrel out of her city
And out of her life
"Why was he calling her house?"
"What in hell did he want with her brother?"
She mumbles,
"The bastard is on the phone,"
"The person who got me into trouble . . ."
She hands the phone to her brother.
He hears the troublemaker call his sister a bitchy bastard
And then her brother ends the insult with a click.
Why can't the delinquent just leave her alone? 

Becky M. S. Written 10/7/2006
  • Current Mood
    irritated insalted

October Poetry 3

Transferable Pain

Once she was happy . . .
When his arms were wrapped around her,
When she felt the world could stop and disappear
Just because he was there.
Once she was happy . . .
When he would say,
"I love you."
Out of the blue.
Once she was happy . . .
When he would make her laugh
And smile
And blush
And feel good.
Once she was happy . . .
When she knew he was happy with her
When she did little things for him,
When she would brush her finger through his hair
Or rub his head or back.

One day the happiness stopped
When pain sunk in
At first it was just physical pain
It was just temporary release:
As it fades away with Tylenol
She faced the pain for him
As she felt
She was feeling it for the both of them

But the mental pain
Of feeling lost and alone
Stayed with her
Like a ghost haunting it's place of death.
In her weaken state,
She sacrificed her beliefs
Causing a chaos
And creating a questioning of why is she really here?
What is her purpose?
In fearing she would lose him,
She stopped all contact
With her friends of the opposite sex.

Mental pain ate through her
She began to hate the weaken melt clay,
She had begun.
She saw him less and less
As she was giving up more and more
Finally she stopped seeing him,
But the by then it was too late.
Pain had over come her
As she has created a sexual monster within him.
Pain created a beast within her.
She began biting herself for a release
And when that didn't work,
She took a simple blade
A slice a release with her flesh
Hoping to release her soul
Then another and another.

She claimed the cuts on her arms
Are from her pets,
But secretly she know
Each cut has passion, fear,
And a release of pain within them.
She just doesn't want to hurt anymore.


Cuts of Worthiness

Slice after slice
The blade hits her flesh
Blood drips
As pain is released
Stinging only comes in cleaning the wounds.
Marks down each arm
Regret and remorse in physical form.
Tear rain on the cheeks
As breast get marked next.
Whining as thighs stings
As flesh opens just so slightly.
She barely can get the blade to the skin
She barely can press in
As she doesn't want mortal wound,
A pain release.
She wants to be worthy of being happy again.


Becky M. S. All writings were written on 10/7/2006
  • Current Music
    Breakin Stuff Limp Biskit

Smokey wounds

I thought I knew who I was.
I thought I was strong.
I thought I knew what I wanted.
I thought I knew my hope and dreams and had goals to follow.
But then out of the blue . . .
He walked into my life
Now I'm running in circles
I'm not sure about my life.
I've realize I'm weak
And I can't win them all
I've learn to fail
But I still try not to fall.
With him I've done thing
I wouldn't normally do
And now I know
I'm smothering is smoky wounds.
  • Current Music
    In the End Linkin Park