No matter how many times I go to sleep praying not to wake up, I always wake up. I usually look back and realize tomorrow really is another day, (and even though the depression still lingers) I can always make it better than the day before.
But what exactly am I looking for? What exactly do I want accomplish in my life? Why the Hell am I truly here? Why can I remember the pain, the rejections, the gut busting forgetfulness of drunken cute guys, the kiss that felt like a dream, the alcohol gone in minutes, the many times pills just gave me numbness that in the long run slowly tear up my organs?
And yet I still wake up from all this terror, from all this internal bleeding horror. I wake up to "Babysit them," "watch her," "I need a nap," "I'm fine *with tears down their eyes,*" "Work with me, (so he can watch my every move and tell me how to live my God damn life!"
Can I go in a hole and desire the darkness to swallow me whole? At least then I won't be rejected, or told what to do, or cry myself to sleep, or take medicine after medcine hoping to sleep and not wake up.
Now am I depressed? Nah, Just venting!