beckyms1213 (beckyms1213) wrote,

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Have you ever felt the whole world has closed all the doors and windows, turned off all the lights, and tried to sufacate you with it's total darkness? It tried to drown you with pity, stress, hate, fear, hopelessness, and another other weakness it has one you? It tries to make you think responsiblity is only a horrible nightmare, and if you were to die you never have to worry again? It sounds too good to be true, and believe me it is. 

No matter how many times I go to sleep praying not to wake up, I always wake up. I usually look back and realize tomorrow really is another day, (and even though the depression still lingers) I can always make it better than the day before. 

But what exactly am I looking for? What exactly do I want accomplish in my life? Why the Hell am I truly here? Why can I remember the pain, the rejections, the gut busting forgetfulness of drunken cute guys, the kiss that felt like a dream, the alcohol gone in minutes, the many times pills just gave me numbness that in the long run slowly tear up my organs? 

And yet I still wake up from all this terror, from all this internal bleeding horror. I wake up to "Babysit them," "watch her," "I need a nap," "I'm fine *with tears down their eyes,*" "Work with me, (so he can watch my every move and tell me how to live my God damn life!"

Can I go in a hole and desire the darkness to swallow me whole? At least then I won't be rejected, or told what to do, or cry myself to sleep, or take medicine after medcine hoping to sleep and not wake up. 

Now am I depressed? Nah, Just venting!
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