?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Writings of Becky

Everything written by Becky M. S.

Journal Info

Name
beckyms1213
Website
My page

View

Navigation

Skipped Back 25

March 16th, 2006

Another poem

Share

Poem

He means everything to me.
He's the only one I would get up everything for including my own life.
I've bled for him more than once.

I've detested my religion for him. (He's the only thing I trust now.)
What would happen if he's gone?
I hope to be gone too.
Was he just too good for me? No, I deserve him.

Was my hopes up just too high? No, he deserves me.
Ignore the polls behind your backs.
Ignore the whispers.
Ignore the people who say they're my friends and still try make me doubt.

He is the world to me.
He's the only one I trust.
I give my life to him.
If he accepts . .

Becky M. S.

March 4th, 2006

March Poetry

Share

Patience

He has taught many things the last few weeks . . .
He taught me that there is someone for . . .him.
He has taught that time is as precious as touch.
He has taught me that I don't have to change to be accepted.
He has taught me that trust is one of the most important things in love.
He has taught me that I need to trust him and myself.
He has taught me that I need to take time and trust that time will lead us back.
He has taught me that even with a lot of girls that like him, no matter what he picked me and that what counts.
He has taught me what love and life is all about.
He has taught me a lot about me.
He has taught me that he really is the one for me.
Thank you for teaching me so much . . . Thank you Adam.

 

Obsession

I see him everywhere I go.
I haven't looked at another guy in weeks
I still remember his touch.
His voice echoes in my head
I'm in loved and yet I'm scared to death
That something will happen to him.
He's the first thing I think of when I wake up
And the last thing I about when I go to sleep
It was a miracle that we met.
Now that he has my heart, I'm never letting go.
I just I was cooler and I just be cool as I give him his own space.
But I'm the anxious one that jumps at every phone that rings
Wondering if it is him
He told me I can't scare him away.
I don't even want to try.
I love my baby.
I love my dark knight
I love my sexy master.
I love my boyfriend
And I really don't want to be obsessed,
But he says he doesn't mind.

Hanging on the Edge

I hanging on to a weak branch . . . my confidence
And I holding on to it tight
As I think of all that has happened in the past year
I've been used . . .
I've been mentally abused.
I've lost things.
I've lost money.
I've lost friends.
I've lost respect.
I've done things . . .
I've done horrible things like helping out a few friends to get burned in the end.
I've gotten arrested.
I've seen things.
I've tried things that I shouldn't have tried.
I've grown and learned.
I've done wonderful things like I have a love of my life that I'm not letting go.
He's been the only reason why I'm still holding on.
He is my love, my life, my confidence, my reason why I'm going to get up tomorrow.
He is my strength when I've doubted myself and my belief in god.
My beloved has got me through so much, and I feel like owe so much.
How do I pay someone I already gave my heart, body, soul and mind?
Because I still hanging on the edge, but now with him I have strength.


Twisted Ideas

Ideas twisted on my mind
Good ideas: of me him together
Fun ideas: me him doing things together (innocent and not.)
Bad ideas: factors taking him away from me

Other ideas: do things in the bible or go to hell
Other ideas: Jail is waiting me, where I'm someone's bitch
Other ideas: I need to get my driver's license, a job, a car and time to see my beloved.
Other ideas: I should just take sometime to myself . . . maybe rent a new movie.
Other ideas: I need to pray and mediate.
Other ideas: I need to realize it will all work out in the end.

Main Idea: Things are going to work out.
Self talk: I will get to see my sweetheart sometime, and I will cherish the time with him.
Self talk: The court case will work out in the end.
Tip: Just think positively.
Self Talk: Nothing will take him away, and I am not going to jail.

My Last Wishes

Quiet and still
Sounds disappear
Worries are gone
There is no spark
Everything is like fire to a paper.
It vanishes in the flames
Never to be seem again.
Soon we'll all be like that.
Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Soon we'll all be silent

However my last wish is
that we each find just one moment of happiness
Just one moment we can look back
And laugh
We can look back and cry.
We can just look back
As we hold on to the pillow
Before we say "Good Bye."

February 27th, 2006

The Doodler

Share

I'm a doodle-bug or a doodler. You know those few people in your school days that would finish with a test or quiz before everyone else and doodle on the quiz. The slow kids in my class hated my and hated my doodles. You know those stick pictures of nothing or the bandit eyes with no head that just stare at the teacher as they were grading the paper with a look in the pencil-drawn eyes . . . if you don't grade this correct we won't it down!

I also good at drawing tornadoes, stick houses, kitties, puppies, and cute little teddy bears, and of course we can't forget the many different smiles and goofy faces. That most people put in e-mail. It was funny I didn't realize I was officially a doodler until the my senior year of high school when my friend George, a guy I've known since second grade told me I still doodle on my quizzes.

So now when I have a pen and paper and I can't write any and I'm bored out of my mind. I proudly doodle!

 

From your Loyal Doodler

Becky

February 26th, 2006

Grey's Anatomy Stuff

Share

Yes, I know I sound like Grey's Anatomy, but bare with me here. It was on when I was writing. Note: This is NOT about reality it was from the show! It just made me think that's all creatively.

"You go on a few dates, you fall in love, you make plans with your sweetheart, you get married, you have dreams and fantasize, but you you never plan about breaking up in those ideas, those fantasies. You never picture the fights or all the plans getting cancelled due to sickness, injury, family emergercy or whatever!"

They are just apart of life. They are the little tiny stones you step on that drive you nuts. they makes us tough and strengthen us as we move along our trails in life. I don't know about you, but Ireally hate those tiny little stones in life!

And the first person who quoted "Whatever doesn't kill us, will make us stronger . . ." is either dead or hopefully the strongest person in the world. I hope that people is annoying to everyone around them too, because they are sure as hell annoying me with that saying.

Okay That's enough Grey Anatomy out of EXCEPT

Oh my Goddish, i wonder if Georger is leaving the show or they just make him do all this shit for dramatic affect?

I miss one show (two weeks ago) And I miss everything, George actually had sex with Grey. What the Hell? That's supposed to be a look and don't touch relationship only!

Okay enough complaining.

February 17th, 2006

Honesty

Share

This is my heart and soul trying to untangle the thoughts in my mind.

I'm sick.

I'm sad.

I'm afraid.

I want to go out with my baby tomorrow, but I don't want to get him sick to, so hopefully I'll get some medicine in me now.

I want everything to work out.

I want to make him happy.

I want to make him the happiest man in the world.

I'm willing to give it all up just for him.

I'll never let him go.

My throat is on fire.

Pain lets me know I'm alive and human.

I want to be a vampire, and never have to die as long as I can be with him.

I would give it all away for him. My friends, my family, my religion, my beliefs, my dreams, my hopes, my past, my present, my future. EVERYTHING.

He's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about when I go to bed.

It was like a blink when he came into my life, and I hope I never blink again so he doesn't have to go.

I can't swallow.

I can barely feel my throat, but I know it's there.

I like the color of blood. . . that black and redish color kind of mixed.

I can't stand my parents. . . father violent dicating bastard, step mother is a submissive religious freak, and my mom is like a lost puppy dog.

I can't lose him or I would lose the best part of myself.

He never lets me think bad of myself, except I'm not sure how to look at myself in another light.

I was supposed to take my tempt test today, I slept in, and woke up cough and choking on multicolors red included. I just wish this infection of my throat would go away.

Maybe later I would go take a walk, and just pray to anyone or anything that is listening that yesterday's past won't haunt me . . . and that everything will work out.

Next to the love of my life the only other thing that truly comforts me is the music of Hanson.

The thoughts in my head are always mixed, the only time I have a clear is when I'm with my baby. Everything just seems to be right.

I just want to know everything will work out with my baby and me. If we have to slow down so be it. I would rather have him as just a boyfriend then never to see him at all.

I don't like being compared to anyone, because I'm well me. I don't try to follow the normal society. What is normal anyway?

I want to dye my hair either blue black or jet black. Maybe I'll get and get a dye next week when I have actually have little more money.

Money has never been a really big thing to me. I just don't think I could really handle alot of money. I would be one of those people who would stay up late and think about who would want to steal it or take it away. I'm a spender, I don't think I'm good at handling money. So if you keep it away, I won't miss it.

My baby wants to spoil me, the best way to spoil me is to just spend time with me.

I something don't think I truly deserve all the things I get; however, my baby, told me that I'm not allow top think that way. Well, if I'm not allow to think that way, then I deserve him and he deserves me. He desrves the best the world can offer, and i wish that I hold him and never let me go.

I don't see anyone else but my baby (Adam.)

I'm tired.

What can I do to make everything work out in the end?

If I wasn't in the library I would be on my knees willing to sacrfice everything just to know that I can spend the rest of my life with him.

I hope I'm not too smothering or too obsessive. I just really care for him, and I never want him to let me go. I love when he wants to protect me from my friends and others who might get in my way.

Damn it, my throat hurts really bad.

I would give him up if that made him happy, but I hope that I would be the one that would make him happy . . . tell me what I need to do?

I hope he forgot all of the conversation yesterday . . . to save him not me . . . I rarely forget anything.

I just want to be with my baby.

PLEASE, let it all work out, PLEASE, please.

I'm going now, maybe to take a walk, maybe to take a nap, maybe to go pray, maybe to go cry, maybe to call my baby, maybe just to get away from awhile. . . I don't know.

February 14th, 2006

Valentine Thoughts

Share

 

Vampires

I've always wanted to be a vampire. I love the taste of blood, although mine tastes like iron. I'm fastinated by the seduction as they tastes each others' neck, the hiding in the corners, the mystery of night, and the fact they can always vanish in a blink.

I like how they are like animals in the way they look at humans like prey. Although they slowly age, how they could just drink blood and have instant life giving them energy and strength. They never die unless killed in certain ways.

Why shouldn't I be one? 

Pandora’s Box

Everyone has a “bad” side. I don’t care if you think you are better than Jesus Christ himself, everyone has a “bad” side.

I don’t mean the “I’m think I’m going to tell a white lie” side. Or “I’m just stealing a candy bar” side

I mean side that you want total revenge. You want to rip out someone’s heart, and never let him see the light of day. The side that you know you will never forgive someone for what they do.

The reason why I call it Pandora’s Box is because when you’re under that kind of rage . . . that animal like behavior there is no control, there is no turning back and there is no thought. Thought would stop the process of the rage. Rage is worst that forcing someone against the wall until they bleed from getting their head struck by the only nail in the wall. Rage is worst that running a person foot over and over until all the bone are powder. It's taht animal side where you can tear limb from lib and not know that you ever broke their bones within your grasps. I mean if a mother in an emergency situation pick up a car to save her children. Rage can make people do things 100 times worst!

I know I have a Pandora’s Box within me. I know there are ways to open my box, but I will admit, I can’t tell you how bad someone can get hurt if that box is fully open. I’ve never let it ever get out of control. If that side of me is fully leashed out. I just have to say don’t get in between me and anyone I truly care about. Don’t say that life isn’t worth living in front of me, and don’t ever tell me I’m useless. I know those things can drill a hole into that side and people honest will NOT want to see that side of me . . . it ain’t pretty.

Write now I’m eating cherry and vanilla marshmallow candy, and thinking . . . ( Scary I know!)


I have a lot on my mind . . .


Like the fact I have to finish the vampire story and make up another myspace account or change my third account for my short stories . . . Whatever happens first.

Like why is my stomach in pain . . . could it be bad habits that I’m trying not to form, but I was doing it for stress and now I’m beginning to like the taste. (But no I can give it up anytime. I only have 4 left anyway . . . well 3 after while.)

Like the fact that I feel useless at this point since I can only comfort my baby through the phone. I want to help and comfort him, and I just need to be with him . . . but no I have a stupid fear of driving . . . damn it.

Like I need to get my tempts, then get enough money for insurance, and then my driving license, get a car, and get extra money for gas. . . just so can be broke when I visit my boyfriend and friends. I really do want to freedom, just not the chance of an accident . . . yes, I know I’m a wuss.

Like I really had a good time last week, and this week I have to go back to my job and reality.

Like I’m so sick of this god-damn cold, and I wish I didn’t have it last week either.

Like I want to chat with my friend Shelly (she’s the sister I’ve never had,) but she hasn’t talked to me since August. . . long story that I don’t want to get into.

Like why the freakin’ local government has to take their good old to tell me whether they think I’m good or bad based on something I didn’t even do in the first place.

Like why can I have my cake, eat it too, and not gain weight. I need to work on my abs.


Like I want to be the peacemaker that even means if I have to do a few acts of violence, but I haven’t had to do that in a while. I usually try to avoid that way at all cause, but if people do get in the way of people and things I really care about . . . I will do whatever is necessary.


Learning experience


Things I've learned in the past week You can show love in many different ways.

Every person is made up of many deep layers.

Sometime keeping it simple is a good thing and sometimes it allows us to think just a bit too much.

I believe if you can put up with someone who is sick then you should able to put with them healthy. ( My baby can do both.)

I also learned to not doubt after the fact something has happened.

I also learned about video games as well . . .

The good guy and bad guy may not be as obvious as they appear.

I have a very enjoyable, busy, and productive week.

I also miss my teddy bear:-)

A few February Poems

Share

Secrets

She walked away
From it all
No one was there
To see her fall

As she looks back
She knew it was meant to be
Since she knew
He was the only to set here free

Not entrapment
But she lies perfectly still
He was the only one who knew
And the only one that ever will.

An Interesting idea

Walk away
Survive it all
To know the truth
Within the falls

Waiting for this day
For many weeks
And now he never comes
Depression begins to peak

Wondering what exactly happen
The time they were alone
But now has to fight for life
To know much to grow

Time runs weary
As worry wastes away
Wonder if he thinks of her
As she ran away

Time for many others
For many come to think
We're they meant to be
Or was it just a blink

He hope for something more
As she writes her daily prayers
She wonders if he just wanted sex
Or if he really cares

She knows there was so much more
But she think she lost it some how
She knows there was love
But is worried at the now

She always cared for him
As she realized
She had to run

So he can miss her sighs
She was sick of waiting
As she remember his assurance
But now all she doesn't is doubt
As she prayers for insurance

And be to gone
She waits for fate
She needs to be with him
And prays it not to late.

February 12th, 2006

Another Poetic Idea

Share

What’s My Head Now

Many feelings pending
Many things I want to become
Many times I felt I’ve barely passed
Many times I had a fear of failure

I’m not sure to be sad
Or just relieved
Apart of me want life
And the other part of me wanted a life

At least I have my teddy bear
All to myself (I will share with his friends though)
I hope to be with him forever
In fact I know I want him forever

I wish he was sure too
As he was before
He gave me confidence
And he now doubts everything

But I will still support him
I wish I knew if I caused that doubt
My stomach is twisted
Is that just cigarettes

Or are too many feeling causing worry?
He just needs to know its all okay
I need to know the same thing
I just I could look in a crystal ball
With 100% accuracy
And have it tell me I we going together
It will say we will
I just know it.

Because I’m not letting go . . .
I just hope its okay
That we’re not making life now
Maybe later . . .

January 22nd, 2006

When Dreams May Come

Share
I've seen the movie "When Dreams May Come" It's a very interesting impression on the power of love will make you go to even the depth of Hell to be with your soulmate. It's truly an amzing movie. I think I found that person that I would dive through the depths of Hell for. Just for us to relive again in yet anotherlife until we get in right. I would relive 20 millions lives just to be with him. I love my teddy bear. Okay, I'll stop being too smothering now.

January 19th, 2006

Fearful Nostiglia

Share

Talks with old friends

Nostiglia . . . sorry if my spelling sucks, but it does so whatever. For my readers, on the blog I just posted of my fear, I want to rebuttal myself. As I was chatting with an old friend from high school and I even to college with her, I realize I just have to give it time, and trust. It's really hard for me just to trust, I've been hurt many times. Honestly, It's not that I don't trust my baby, it's that I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself even to believe that I deserve a guy as incredible as he is. He has truly be patient and understanding with me. He's alive, sensitive,engeric, sweet, sexy, sacrastic, funny, and everything I want and need and I can go on adn on breging about him. ( Sorry, girls, but he's mine!)

I love him so much.

I picture us in our future living room watching yet another movie (just watching this time) with his head on my lap as I rub his head.

I see traveling the world with him.

I see myself helping him with cooking and baking.

I see my dream wedding and yes baby I know you're reading this i can see you in it! There's no more blue blob, an I'm not just saying that, but i really can see my baby in the tux with teal vest waiting down the aisle. I see carnation and lilacs. I see my perfect wedding dress with every bead in it's right place. It just feels right!

I see him holding my hand while i'm sweating and bitchy while I give birth to his children.(Long time into the future)

I see us laughing together and crying together and most of all just being together. Just like my friend told me I have to get it time and trust. 


My Only Fear


For the last two weeks now, I'm been obsessed about the man of love. He's the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing I think of before I go to bed. He's the greatest thing that has happened to me. He has seen quite of a few of my many sides (some sides no one else has even seen) and hasn't run away screaming.

Right now, I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid of losing my family, I'm not afraid of clowns, spiders or freaks in the night. I'm not afraid of rejection, or anyone hating me or if Jesus Christ came down on this earth again. I am afraid, so deathly afraid of losing the light of my life.

I feel fearless when I'm with him, and like all the world could disappear as long I'm in his arms. Then everything is okay. He makes me feel complete. Apart of me just want to take him, and run away, just me and him, and forget the rest of the world, but I know better. I want him to have friends that care about him as much as I do. I want him to have all the blessings in the world, and to be happy. I just don't want to lose him.

He's already told me several times I'll never lose him, and when he's here I believe him, with all my heart. However it's when he's not here that my mind replays these thoughts almost like nightmares in my head. "That he said he has found someone better" . . . "that is just isn't going to work out" . . . "It was fun while it lasted." I'm just afraid I'm not good enough for him. He's everything I want and need and more. I wish the bad thoughts would stop please. Those thoughts make me fall to my knees and pray to God that he'll never leave me. They make me pray that I would be everything he truly wants and needs.

I've never truly ever been in love before, it's amazing, but I know more than anything in this world I don't want anyone else, but him! I love him. I love my baby! I love my Adam!

I love him so much I would do anything for him. I would move anywhere, I would fight anyone (and I'm not one for fighting), I would do anything for him. I just wish these feelings of fear would stop.

 

January 15th, 2006

A few more thoughts

Share

Two Dreams


I have dreams all the time. Some I remember and some I forget, and some that just haunt me. Some that terrify me. I'm in a relationship now, and I love everything waking and most every dreaming moment of it.

My first dream I already talked over and it reall complicated than to sit and explain on here, but i had a dream on Friday morning where I was in a court room, and being condemned for wanting my wonderful boyfriend to buy me love instead of just loving me.

Honestly, I don't think I have any name brand anything. Maybe my computer, but then again it's one of those things I just don't care about. I'm usually satisfied with a pen, paper and a good song. Now I'm beyond happy with a guy who will accept me for who I am.

I would never want him to try buy my love. I wouldn't care if he had all the money in the world or not eeven two dimes to rub together. That's not what was impotrtant what was important was the fact that he loves and always will. Deep down inside I know he'll always be true and love me and support me.

But in my dream had people who knew him and some of my old friends saying that I just want him to get me things just to say that he loves. To be honest, I'm not even that comfort with him paying just a date just yet. I'm not used to being spoiled, and I do believe in earning you're dollars as well as the things you want. But I love him, and not for anything he'll ever get me, except himself:-)

The other dream I had was when I zoned out in church. I was in the middle of praying when the I saw him laying on my lap as I was brushing my fingers through his hair. ( I love doing that.) Anyway, he was slowly falling asleep. I began to pray under my breath as he turns his head and ask what I was saying. I told him I was prayer over him that God may give him and his family protection, good health, and all the blessings possible. He began to cry and I kissed his tears as I just held him. ( I like dreams like that.)

So as I said I like some dreams, and some dreams just make me examine who I really am. 

Sappy stuff: You're forewarned


I’m honestly happy

I have feelings I can honestly say I’ve never had before. I feel I’m struggling with myself. My mind thinks that if I mess up I’ll lose all-- everything . . . I have to be holy, pure and perfect or I’ll lose it all. At this point in my life when I’m actually excited, and happy, and wanting to be alive, I’m extremely terrified. HOWEVER my heart says stop thinking you’re mind is full of baloney ( and I hate baloney. )

My heart says love is perfect and therefore it takes all of your imperfection together and mixes it together to make the person who you are. Then with the faith an trust of God, he’ll find the people in your life who will accept the mixture of imperfection that you are made of. Love isn’t that logical, and it make you go crazy, and the devil tries to get nightmares to steal if away, but you know better. I know better.

It’s a truly amazing feeling to know that others can love you just as you are. I swear I have a bouncy step in my walk. I can’t wait for him to call again just to hear his voice. I like all his little things: kisses on the hands and forehead. The constant words of “I love you,” as I secretly pray that those words always get stronger, and never wear out. I also love the way I know how he smiles when I blush! I love the way he holds my hand and rubs my shoulder as she hold me. . . I hope he never lets me go! I love listening to him breath and rubbing his head. I also love the way he moves my hair out of my face. The way we “watch movies” (It’s funny how we put the movies we’ve seen before on, on purpose! Hee Hee.) I love the way he would sacrifice anything and everything for me. (However I want him to know I don’t want to have to sacrifice anything for me. I want him to be happy, and accomplish all his dream with me by his side.) I wish I could grant him all the happiness in the world. I thank God everyday for him in my life. He brings out the best in me, and even though I’m slow, he’s boasted my self esteem . . . Well slightly.

And if we’re meant to be together may it be forever, may it be blessed by God. (Philippians 2:19-30).

I prayer to God that this isn’t just infatuation, but the beginning of a long road of true love. I know in Corinthians they say that love is patient, but this is happen fast and I’m just holding on for the ride. I just hope I’m doing the right thing, and not do something stupid. ( I don’t know what it would be, I wouldn’t cheat or lie to him what’s the point of that? I don’t want to hurt him, in fact I wish I could put him in a bubble and not let him get hurt again.) I know I sound sappy, and mushy, but I don’t want to lose him!

January 10th, 2006

Warning

Share

I was thinking for anyone who hangs out with me or goes out with me, you must be forewarned.

I’m more or likely going to corrupt you. I don’t try on purpose, but growing up I’ve always s been around guys. You know I can handle listening to jokes about sex and other disturbing things. Blood in movies and stuff like werewolves or vampires don’t scare me neither.

I don’t believe in aliens, because I haven’t seen them. 
However I have unseen faith in God and Jesus, but I’ve talked to God personally and Jesus seen in my past lives. Yes, I talk to God, and I hear from Him, and no I’m not crazy. I go to church weekly. I do pray. I also hang out with friends from church. 

I do believe in past lives, because I have the feeling of deja vue so much in my life. I also believe in ESP, and horoscope are more for fun. 

I’m a very big tom-boy. I used to play in the creek at my mom’s house. I love to play sports, especially volleyball, basketball, and baseball. I’m not offended but fowl language, and actually much of it is in my own vocabulary. ( However when I’m with parents or very young kids that aren’t related to me, I can control my language.) 

I mean I have wore dresses and such, but I prefer my jeans. I don’t regularly wear makeup.

I usually speak my mind, and have a habit of being very blunt. (So if you’re easily offended I’m forewarning you.) 

I also have a habit of saying things before I think of the consequences. I’m an opinionated and I can be a bitch. My theme song is “Bitch” By Merith Brooks. “I am a bitch, a lover, a child, a mother a sinner a saint. I do not feel ashamed. I’m a bitch I’m a tease, I’m a goddess on my knees when you hurt when you suffer I’m your angel undercover. I renowned, I’m relived. Can’t say I’m not alive and you wouldn’t want it any other way.”

You have been warned.

Rough Poetry

Share

Rough edges

I'm not always as gentle as they like me to be
I'm not even that smooth
I know just when I get the injured ice
It really does sooth

I really try to care
And I'm always trying to pray
Even if I happen to be a pissy Bitch
Some days

I'm scared, happy, confused
I don't know what to do
I never know what to do
What if I do something wrong and lose?

I've never been one to truly gamble
I've always been safe and try things I know
Things have going too fast
And I have no idea which way to go

Colors blend together too fast
Things are has they used to appear
I'm in the middle of a room
And nothing seems clear

Fear sneaks in
What if I do win?
What if I want to sin?
Where am I going? where have I been?

God give me a solid answer
So me the way
Tell me what to do
As I pray.
As I pray
As I pray
Lord, tell me what is Your way
What should I do Tomorrow and Today?
Release my fears
Send them away.


Poem I wrote in Church
Chaotic Mess
1/8/06

Frustration drowns out happiness
Fighting over whose the best
I’m not sure what I’m doing
And if I have anything to confess

I have a guy on my mind
But the situation is intertwined
He has someone else
And I’m not even in the line

Anger from the past haunts me
Causing feeling to be flustering
And yet I know
It’s all forgotten deep within

I have no idea for my soul
At many times I feel ice cold
I thought at one point I could trust
But now I really know.

 

January 9th, 2006

The Truth

Share

I’ve learned that no matter that how much you lie, whither or not you have hidden secrets, or how sly you are, the truth will always leak out. Here’s what I think.

(I’m forewarning anyone whose been in my life I’m telling the truth. I’m currently like Pandora’s Box. All Hell can break lose. You have been warned. )

I feel like my life is that one red button with a sign above it saying : “DO NOT TOUCH!” Damn it people, you know when someone tells you not to touch the damn button it just gives you yet another motivation to touch it.

Why don’t I ever get my way? I mean all my plans work like 0% of the time . . . Come not even 10%. I mean I was supposed to meet this one guy a while ago, but plans changed or he just didn’t want to meet me. Don’t guys think I’m the type that can put out? What the hell is up with all these guys thinking I’m the “best friend” type? I’m totally ticked off about that. I mean I don’t appreciate having DD breast just to best friends with a guy. I currently want to lose weight and tell every guy who just wanted to be friends with me, because I wasn’t thin enough to go fuck off. The worst thing that pisses me off is that mere fact that the same guy decided to meet another girl and fuck her brains out and then tell me all the fuck about it. DAMN IT TO HELL. I do not want to hear about sex until I have it.

I mean this guy says he trusts me, and I‘m like his good friend and all this shit. He should have the common curtsey basically to say, I like you on the phone where I don’t have to see you’re face. Come on if he was my friend he would have tried to come and at least hang out with me not have me meet his g/f so they can strand me in the mall while they have sex in a public restroom. Or even better he should have said that he just wanted me to cheer him up on the phone until he found a chick to fuck. Can’t tell I’m pissed?


Fuck being pissed, I'll go call my friend taht cares for me. :-) The truth is I want love, but i'm terrified of it. I know it probably doesn't make sense, but oh well.

October 30th, 2005

Frustration Poem

Share
Maybe my mind was in a snow globe,
and I've been so isolated that the world seems perfect.
And I freeze reality so I don't have to face the truth.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I like his guy . . .
He's too young
He has a g/f
He doesn't like me like that.
I'm frustrated.
I made him cry.
I want him to clean his act.
I do truly care, damn it!
I'm in trouble
I was stupid
I'm on the edge.
AHHHHHHH
Pull me up or let me fall
Please don't keep me hanging!

September 25th, 2005

I'm beginning to regret everything that has happened in my life the past 6 weeks.
People have been used,
abused,
ignored,
secretly pleasured,
openly sinning,
high,
down,
depressed,
wasted,
baked,
jokily in pain,
gossiped about,
and sexually sharing.
Whispers glue lies and torn stories,
friends are confused,
and beliefs are twisted.
And it all started because I wouldn't say No.
I finally see the scars
I realize I am Jealous
And I do regret
Because I am human
And nothing less.

September 24th, 2005

Nervous Breakdown

Share

Tears pour out of red swollen eyes
Past is starting to turn to a dream of regrets
Mind fights heart
Concern quickly follows
No one is here to clear the evil thoughts
Thoughts of a dark death
Thoughts of knives in hearts . . .
Pushed in with a twist
Causing moral choas within my soul
Is there really Hell?
Is there really a Heaven?
Is there really a God?
What kind of person am I that I can't keep friends?
Why can't I think possively about my self?
Why do I feel so fuckin' alone?
Why am I going through this?
Why hasn't anyone seen this and tried to stop?
Life is a car accident where all the witnesses leave.
No one is there to claim happiness or depression.
It's nothing, a nervous breakdown.
I'll be fine, I think.

August 30th, 2005

Truly Alone

Share

Have you felt you could tell someone everything honestly about you, and still have them know nothing about you? I don't think anyone knows who I am. I'm beginning to think I don't even know. I don't like church, and my ideas of God right are twisted, but then again so are all the other ideas of my life are as well. I only had liked going to church, because of this guy there, and now he is going out with a really sweet chick with a good head on her shoulders. I would rather work and make money then go to church right now. I rather work tahn see my dad right now, and can't stand the dicating bastard.
 
Just to let you know yes men rule my mind, my ideas, my world. They are my inspiration, my passion, my obession and my life. I'm truly fasacinated by them. I love how they play it so freakin' cool like all the time. I like to see them happy and in control, but then again I love to be happy and in control myself. I just wish I would how to be cool.
 

I've learned more about myself in three weeks from a guy I took the last 5 years to avoid. In the last three weeks I've done more that I would ever believe in the last 22 years. I've smoked, (cigarettes as well as other things.) I've kissed a guy, (I know most people don't think much of it, but I had never been kissed.)I've performed oral favors, (I know it sounds really bad, but not many people can say they went from first to third base.) now I'm like obesssed over it. I like giving pleasure, but I think he just want a momentilary tension release.
 
Damn, I've changed.

August 26th, 2005

Why?

Share
Why does nothing ever go my way?
Why can't I have my cake and eat it to and not have the fat go to my stomache and hips?
Why can't I be the woman every girl wants to be and every old woman wished they were?
Why am I always the one to be used like an old tissue that doesn't ever get thrown away, because no one has any idea who used it? The thing is everyone has used it.
I'm just a babysitter, host, advice giver, alcohol buyer, person of "Favors," and what do I get for it? I get "Oh, I forgot that conversation we had," from a person who was on the other line of the conversation.  Even though it was probably one of the life changing conversations, I've ever had, and I just I could thank him for it, besides other things.
Why can't I just let this go?
Why can't I act cool?
Why can't I act like it was beautiful, enjoyable moment in my past?
Why does it seem like my favorite movie playing over and over in my head?
I'm going nutts. I need a distraction. I need a real job. I need to stop babysitting. I need to deal with people my own age. God, I need a life!

August 21st, 2005

Thoughts of a Writer

Share

Masked Reality

Innocent voice: You gonna be a good girl. Make sure you please your parents. Summit your life to those everyone is pleased with as you should always be obedient.

Reality: I was only taking my major as education to please my father. I wanted him to be happy with me so he wouldn't get mad at me like he did at my mom. I did so he wouldn't think I was wasting my life, but I'm not happy with doing it. I would rather write even if my grammar sucks.

Innocent Voice: Yes, I'm getting up. I'm getting ready for church at 7 o'clock in the morning and yes, I'm happy to be here doing this.*smiles*

Reality: Fuck this shit. I want to sleep in. Then about 11 I want a shower with my baby after some quick midday sex, and then I want cold pizza with my Dr. Pepper. By the way, I am not a freakin; morning person! I'm not always this freakin' happy to be sitting at church at 9 in the morning. I also can't stand the few people that are like they are on happy drugs all the god-damn time. That's really annoying. They're happy morning, noon, and night! They're like "Like Hi. Good morning. Is life just great? Aren't you happy? Come on smile. Jesus Yah." AHHHHHHHHH! I can I have the sniper riffle right there and then. 

Innocent Voice: Yes, I'll go to bed early. I'll be good. Yes, I'll watch the boys. Fine, I'll do the dishes. Wake you at 2, right? Okay, I'll help with babysitting.

Reality: First of all, I never remember saying the last sentence. I don't to baby sit anymore than I have to. I've never liked sleeping, I think sleep sometimes just get in the way, especially when I have an idea. If he didn't have just a past of beating the shit out of women, then I would stand up for that one. I don't mind watching the boys when I have like nothing to do, but when I have a term paper due in three hours or I'm about to meet up with my friends then why would I want to watch my little brothers. I also don't mind doing the dishes, but no every freakin' day as she sits on her god-damn ass. That just pisses me off. The only reason I'm good is because I don't want to be hit. I know I'm 22 years old, but if I saw other getting hit, what says I won't get hit myself?

HONEST NOTE: I know sometimes wish I can smother this sweet; people please voice under a pillow. Why can't I stand up for myself and state what I really feel to them?

 

 

Open Book

My friends usually see the real me as I try to be an open book. They know how I'm feeling. However with my parents it's different I lie to them about my feelings. I've lied

so much to them don't feel remorse in hiding anything. I lie to protect my feeling, especially when I've gotten criticized for having a moment of weakness with actual feelings, and emotion. (I'm actually the strongest person in my family during emergencies and such, so for me to have emotion is a big deal.) So I've taught myself to hide it.

For example when they (parents) ask

"Are you okay?" (step mother)

My answer: "I'm fine" * grinds teeth*

Reality: "Bull shit, I'm tired. I'm sick of doing all these chores while you sit on your ass. I just got home from college and I just want a snack and veggie out."

"I want to get my own place and move far way from all of you."


"Hey, Becky, let's go sailing?" (Father)

My Answer: "Sure, okay."

Reality: I really don't want to go every freakin' weekend, but if I say, 'Okay, I guess' or 'Fine whatever,' you won't go and give me a fuckin' guilt trip all weekend. I would rather write my scripts and poems. All my own free time doesn't have to go to the damn family, but I also don't want to piss you off, because I know what kind of monster you can be.

"Becky, you should get a job here . . . it's so close to where I work." (Father)

My Answer: "Okay, how much money am I making?"

Reality: Fuck, why can't say that I want a job I actually like and one that not that close to anyone that can give a message back to my parents to tell them what I'm up to 24/7. I want my own privacy, and a job I actually like. Can my parents please lay off my back, or is that too much to ask?


"Can I go with you on that trip?" (Mother)

My Answer: "I guess."

Reality: Quit following around like a puppy and get your own life. It's not my fault that you don't want to have a boyfriend. You don't have to get a boyfriend, but you could get a hobby other than just trying to find the glory in my shadows.


"Do you mind babysitting?" (From a friend who is like a sister to me and she had drugs)

My Answer: "Sure, okay."

Reality: I don't want to be watching your kid, and have the police break in and with you leaving your stash out in the open. Damn it you're baby can get a hold of it! What?! There is drug money under the bed too. Damn it. Oh and random people are going to come over to collect, what the hell is going on? Get me the hell out of here.

My reality is that when comes to my family I am a people pleaser, but I just think sometimes I don't have the guts to tell them the truth. Would they be able to handle it?

But I thought anyone as I now (5/27/05) that comes in my life I'm going to be an open book, why hide who I am or what I'm feeling?

 

Thoughts of a Writer

There's no other feeling than a writing a character or a really good story. It's awesome to create your own world where anything can happen. If you're a really good writer, then you can pull the audience into the world with you.

You have total control of the character . . . they can win the metal or get the girl in the end. They can be rich or have nothing, but their wit. You have all the power! As a writer you are god on paper. It's really awesome to be a writer.

You can use words to create a mood such as a pleasant day or a dreary night. You can create new worlds with unicorns and smurfs. You can make talking trees or clouds that taste like cotton candy. All you need is a pen, paper and a little imagination amazing adventures are just waiting to be created at the tip of the pen. So what are you waiting for and go create your own world.

 

Musical Thoughts

I know I start many of my thoughts with the sentence: There is no other feeling like . . . Except I love singing on stage, and the feeling is an indescribable high. The nerves that flood your body as they fall mellow about half way through the song, is all just a rush. There is something with capturing an audience with just your voice. It's amazing to have your voice flow so angelically over the perfectly blended piano notes.

It's a comfort to sing the chorus or refrain it's like coming home after a hard day at work. It's just like knowing a place were you can take off your shoe and walk around in your sock, it's just a warm, and a familiarity.

The bridge belts out the truth with in the message of the song. It brings the gut busting idea out to see full light at the same time combining the familiarity of home with end of the song, the closure.

It's intense to have a full audience and all of the pairs of eyes watching you. You just to capture them with your presence as well as your voice as you want them to laugh with you and cry with you. It's all about losing control and allowing the song to just take over as you grab the audience while having fun. Then and only then you have musically done something.


May 27th, 2005

May Poetry

Share

A Prayer Wish

If I could have one wish
From a star in the sky
I would wish for
My perfect guy

He would not have
A Violent bone in his body
And he would write
Sing or say a prayer just for me

He would make me laugh
And always smile
And he would always
Make life worth it's while.

He would love me
And care for me too.
When I look his eyes
I'll see a soul that's so true.

I wish on the stars
For that man to be
I just hope that
He's also praying for me!

 

Becky . . .

"Becky, go there, do that!"
"Becky baby sit the cat"
"Becky, please help me"
"Becky, aren't you working in the nursery?"

"Becky the boys want you."
"Becky wake me up at 2"
"Becky be like Jesus
"Becky don't sleep or you'll miss it!"

"Becky, you could have done so much better"
"Becky, you're gonna be a great teacher."
"Becky, he's so good for you."
"Becky, eat those peas too."

"Becky don't argue with me"
"Becky let's go sailing"
I can't do it . . . I can't please everybody
I'm getting sick of the name Becky!


Ulcars

Words
Fall into ears
Sour to the brain
Kill the heart
Sinks in the blood

Flows down
Into Stomach
Creates acid
Eroding a hole
The size of a golf ball

And takes over
Slides a pill
As blood revolts
Found in the toilet

A long hospital visit
And a diet of regrets
A life of stress
A hope of fear

Which cause all the mess
Causing scars
On the interior
Of the soul.

What did I do?
 (Just because I have those thoughts, never meant I ever acted on them.)

What did I do
When I cut it
Watching all the life
The blood go loose?

What did I do
When I let him
Leave me
Completely confused?
What did I do
When I prayed
In much regret
For my own noose?

What did I do
When I tried
To take away
The excuse?

What did I do
When I didn't see
That my life's end
Is what God
Refused?

What did I do
When I realized
Is that I can
Start new?

 

Twisted Bridge (Poem based on my past feelings of my parents after the divorce)

Over here,
Twisted from there
And twisted back
A broken bridge
Between him and her

A memory of love
That was beaten in physical form
A heart hope
With a fearful hunch
That control will tare

The bridge
A bit more
String by string
Memory by memory
Torn by a control
Against a will
For a blistful freedom

Rebellion caused war
As a fire burns
On the bridge
Twisting the ropes
Weakening them.

Freedom is
But at a cost
Of pain
Break the Bridge
Lose a side of you.

Bridge falls
Only a valley of regret is left
Between to souls
That tries to shout
But only hurt themselves
With the echoing messages
In the end
The valley fills with tears
As both sides just lose.


A Haunting Past

I remember when my father drove a truck and the fish I won died two days before he got home
I remember there was so much of yelling and violence.
I remember masking the truth with deceitful happy lies.
I remember crying myself to sleep more than once.
I remember how my dog hopeless died on the road and the truck that hit her.
I remember getting hit by the car falling on my knees.
I remember when my grandpa died and sing the song "On Eagle's Wings."
I remember my brother connected to 5 machines at age of 10 look ghostly white after his heart surgery.
I remember almost losing both of my parents within 3 month of each other and being ridiculed for having a nervous breakdown as I held back all my feelings.
I remember being thin at point in my life and wonder what exactly happened.
I remembered my first crush in kina garden and how he didn't like me.
I remember the night before Valentine's Day when I was in second grade when I argued with my father about filling my valentines' past my bed time.
I remember the thanksgiving when I was 5 years old and my great-grandma died.
I remember when I was 5 and I stole a hoola-hoop, but I gave it back.
In every one of those memories there was fear.

 

A Dancing Childhood

In the all the bad, there are always a few good moments like a ray of sun shine in the clouds. I remember a few moments of happiness . . .
I remember my first dog hopeless, and show she sounded like she wezzed when she barked
I remember winning my first gold fish at the corn festival.
I remember getting bunk bed with my brother. I got the bottom.
I remember playing this running game called snake with my mom.
I remember waiting for the bus my mom would sing to us.
I remember sitting in a circle for music class.
I remember movies and assemblies at the end of school year.
I remember my first communion, and the really cool cake my dad made.
I remember my grandpa's garden, especially his strawberries.
I remember my grandma telling stories and singing when she did dishes.
I remember summer mornings and the smell if lilacs.
I remember the feel of dew on the bottom of my feet and fresh cut grass.
I remember when walks down the street seemed longer, and when 5 minutes felt like eternity.
I remember my laugh and giggle.
I remember when I like baloney and hot dogs.
I remember when I had to race a popsicle from melting before I eat it.
I remember when life seemed so simple.
I remember playing in to creek.
I remember the back yard seemed big, and the basement seemed scary.
Man, it's truly awesome being a kid, huh?

 

Powered by LiveJournal.com