Another poem

Poem

He means everything to me.
He's the only one I would get up everything for including my own life.
I've bled for him more than once.

I've detested my religion for him. (He's the only thing I trust now.)
What would happen if he's gone?
I hope to be gone too.
Was he just too good for me? No, I deserve him.

Was my hopes up just too high? No, he deserves me.
Ignore the polls behind your backs.
Ignore the whispers.
Ignore the people who say they're my friends and still try make me doubt.

He is the world to me.
He's the only one I trust.
I give my life to him.
If he accepts . .

Becky M. S.

  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

March Poetry

Patience

He has taught many things the last few weeks . . .
He taught me that there is someone for . . .him.
He has taught that time is as precious as touch.
He has taught me that I don't have to change to be accepted.
He has taught me that trust is one of the most important things in love.
He has taught me that I need to trust him and myself.
He has taught me that I need to take time and trust that time will lead us back.
He has taught me that even with a lot of girls that like him, no matter what he picked me and that what counts.
He has taught me what love and life is all about.
He has taught me a lot about me.
He has taught me that he really is the one for me.
Thank you for teaching me so much . . . Thank you Adam.

 

Obsession

I see him everywhere I go.
I haven't looked at another guy in weeks
I still remember his touch.
His voice echoes in my head
I'm in loved and yet I'm scared to death
That something will happen to him.
He's the first thing I think of when I wake up
And the last thing I about when I go to sleep
It was a miracle that we met.
Now that he has my heart, I'm never letting go.
I just I was cooler and I just be cool as I give him his own space.
But I'm the anxious one that jumps at every phone that rings
Wondering if it is him
He told me I can't scare him away.
I don't even want to try.
I love my baby.
I love my dark knight
I love my sexy master.
I love my boyfriend
And I really don't want to be obsessed,
But he says he doesn't mind.

Hanging on the Edge

I hanging on to a weak branch . . . my confidence
And I holding on to it tight
As I think of all that has happened in the past year
I've been used . . .
I've been mentally abused.
I've lost things.
I've lost money.
I've lost friends.
I've lost respect.
I've done things . . .
I've done horrible things like helping out a few friends to get burned in the end.
I've gotten arrested.
I've seen things.
I've tried things that I shouldn't have tried.
I've grown and learned.
I've done wonderful things like I have a love of my life that I'm not letting go.
He's been the only reason why I'm still holding on.
He is my love, my life, my confidence, my reason why I'm going to get up tomorrow.
He is my strength when I've doubted myself and my belief in god.
My beloved has got me through so much, and I feel like owe so much.
How do I pay someone I already gave my heart, body, soul and mind?
Because I still hanging on the edge, but now with him I have strength.


Twisted Ideas

Ideas twisted on my mind
Good ideas: of me him together
Fun ideas: me him doing things together (innocent and not.)
Bad ideas: factors taking him away from me

Other ideas: do things in the bible or go to hell
Other ideas: Jail is waiting me, where I'm someone's bitch
Other ideas: I need to get my driver's license, a job, a car and time to see my beloved.
Other ideas: I should just take sometime to myself . . . maybe rent a new movie.
Other ideas: I need to pray and mediate.
Other ideas: I need to realize it will all work out in the end.

Main Idea: Things are going to work out.
Self talk: I will get to see my sweetheart sometime, and I will cherish the time with him.
Self talk: The court case will work out in the end.
Tip: Just think positively.
Self Talk: Nothing will take him away, and I am not going to jail.

My Last Wishes

Quiet and still
Sounds disappear
Worries are gone
There is no spark
Everything is like fire to a paper.
It vanishes in the flames
Never to be seem again.
Soon we'll all be like that.
Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Soon we'll all be silent

However my last wish is
that we each find just one moment of happiness
Just one moment we can look back
And laugh
We can look back and cry.
We can just look back
As we hold on to the pillow
Before we say "Good Bye."

The Doodler

I'm a doodle-bug or a doodler. You know those few people in your school days that would finish with a test or quiz before everyone else and doodle on the quiz. The slow kids in my class hated my and hated my doodles. You know those stick pictures of nothing or the bandit eyes with no head that just stare at the teacher as they were grading the paper with a look in the pencil-drawn eyes . . . if you don't grade this correct we won't it down!

I also good at drawing tornadoes, stick houses, kitties, puppies, and cute little teddy bears, and of course we can't forget the many different smiles and goofy faces. That most people put in e-mail. It was funny I didn't realize I was officially a doodler until the my senior year of high school when my friend George, a guy I've known since second grade told me I still doodle on my quizzes.

So now when I have a pen and paper and I can't write any and I'm bored out of my mind. I proudly doodle!

 

From your Loyal Doodler

Becky

  • Current Mood
    cheerful cheerful

Grey's Anatomy Stuff

Yes, I know I sound like Grey's Anatomy, but bare with me here. It was on when I was writing. Note: This is NOT about reality it was from the show! It just made me think that's all creatively.

"You go on a few dates, you fall in love, you make plans with your sweetheart, you get married, you have dreams and fantasize, but you you never plan about breaking up in those ideas, those fantasies. You never picture the fights or all the plans getting cancelled due to sickness, injury, family emergercy or whatever!"

They are just apart of life. They are the little tiny stones you step on that drive you nuts. they makes us tough and strengthen us as we move along our trails in life. I don't know about you, but Ireally hate those tiny little stones in life!

And the first person who quoted "Whatever doesn't kill us, will make us stronger . . ." is either dead or hopefully the strongest person in the world. I hope that people is annoying to everyone around them too, because they are sure as hell annoying me with that saying.

Okay That's enough Grey Anatomy out of EXCEPT

Oh my Goddish, i wonder if Georger is leaving the show or they just make him do all this shit for dramatic affect?

I miss one show (two weeks ago) And I miss everything, George actually had sex with Grey. What the Hell? That's supposed to be a look and don't touch relationship only!

Okay enough complaining.

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    crazy crazy

Honesty

This is my heart and soul trying to untangle the thoughts in my mind.

I'm sick.

I'm sad.

I'm afraid.

I want to go out with my baby tomorrow, but I don't want to get him sick to, so hopefully I'll get some medicine in me now.

I want everything to work out.

I want to make him happy.

I want to make him the happiest man in the world.

I'm willing to give it all up just for him.

I'll never let him go.

My throat is on fire.

Pain lets me know I'm alive and human.

I want to be a vampire, and never have to die as long as I can be with him.

I would give it all away for him. My friends, my family, my religion, my beliefs, my dreams, my hopes, my past, my present, my future. EVERYTHING.

He's the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about when I go to bed.

It was like a blink when he came into my life, and I hope I never blink again so he doesn't have to go.

I can't swallow.

I can barely feel my throat, but I know it's there.

I like the color of blood. . . that black and redish color kind of mixed.

I can't stand my parents. . . father violent dicating bastard, step mother is a submissive religious freak, and my mom is like a lost puppy dog.

I can't lose him or I would lose the best part of myself.

He never lets me think bad of myself, except I'm not sure how to look at myself in another light.

I was supposed to take my tempt test today, I slept in, and woke up cough and choking on multicolors red included. I just wish this infection of my throat would go away.

Maybe later I would go take a walk, and just pray to anyone or anything that is listening that yesterday's past won't haunt me . . . and that everything will work out.

Next to the love of my life the only other thing that truly comforts me is the music of Hanson.

The thoughts in my head are always mixed, the only time I have a clear is when I'm with my baby. Everything just seems to be right.

I just want to know everything will work out with my baby and me. If we have to slow down so be it. I would rather have him as just a boyfriend then never to see him at all.

I don't like being compared to anyone, because I'm well me. I don't try to follow the normal society. What is normal anyway?

I want to dye my hair either blue black or jet black. Maybe I'll get and get a dye next week when I have actually have little more money.

Money has never been a really big thing to me. I just don't think I could really handle alot of money. I would be one of those people who would stay up late and think about who would want to steal it or take it away. I'm a spender, I don't think I'm good at handling money. So if you keep it away, I won't miss it.

My baby wants to spoil me, the best way to spoil me is to just spend time with me.

I something don't think I truly deserve all the things I get; however, my baby, told me that I'm not allow top think that way. Well, if I'm not allow to think that way, then I deserve him and he deserves me. He desrves the best the world can offer, and i wish that I hold him and never let me go.

I don't see anyone else but my baby (Adam.)

I'm tired.

What can I do to make everything work out in the end?

If I wasn't in the library I would be on my knees willing to sacrfice everything just to know that I can spend the rest of my life with him.

I hope I'm not too smothering or too obsessive. I just really care for him, and I never want him to let me go. I love when he wants to protect me from my friends and others who might get in my way.

Damn it, my throat hurts really bad.

I would give him up if that made him happy, but I hope that I would be the one that would make him happy . . . tell me what I need to do?

I hope he forgot all of the conversation yesterday . . . to save him not me . . . I rarely forget anything.

I just want to be with my baby.

PLEASE, let it all work out, PLEASE, please.

I'm going now, maybe to take a walk, maybe to take a nap, maybe to go pray, maybe to go cry, maybe to call my baby, maybe just to get away from awhile. . . I don't know.

  • Current Mood
    indifferent indifferent

Valentine Thoughts

 

Vampires

I've always wanted to be a vampire. I love the taste of blood, although mine tastes like iron. I'm fastinated by the seduction as they tastes each others' neck, the hiding in the corners, the mystery of night, and the fact they can always vanish in a blink.

I like how they are like animals in the way they look at humans like prey. Although they slowly age, how they could just drink blood and have instant life giving them energy and strength. They never die unless killed in certain ways.

Why shouldn't I be one? 

Pandora’s Box

Everyone has a “bad” side. I don’t care if you think you are better than Jesus Christ himself, everyone has a “bad” side.

I don’t mean the “I’m think I’m going to tell a white lie” side. Or “I’m just stealing a candy bar” side

I mean side that you want total revenge. You want to rip out someone’s heart, and never let him see the light of day. The side that you know you will never forgive someone for what they do.

The reason why I call it Pandora’s Box is because when you’re under that kind of rage . . . that animal like behavior there is no control, there is no turning back and there is no thought. Thought would stop the process of the rage. Rage is worst that forcing someone against the wall until they bleed from getting their head struck by the only nail in the wall. Rage is worst that running a person foot over and over until all the bone are powder. It's taht animal side where you can tear limb from lib and not know that you ever broke their bones within your grasps. I mean if a mother in an emergency situation pick up a car to save her children. Rage can make people do things 100 times worst!

I know I have a Pandora’s Box within me. I know there are ways to open my box, but I will admit, I can’t tell you how bad someone can get hurt if that box is fully open. I’ve never let it ever get out of control. If that side of me is fully leashed out. I just have to say don’t get in between me and anyone I truly care about. Don’t say that life isn’t worth living in front of me, and don’t ever tell me I’m useless. I know those things can drill a hole into that side and people honest will NOT want to see that side of me . . . it ain’t pretty.

Write now I’m eating cherry and vanilla marshmallow candy, and thinking . . . ( Scary I know!)


I have a lot on my mind . . .


Like the fact I have to finish the vampire story and make up another myspace account or change my third account for my short stories . . . Whatever happens first.

Like why is my stomach in pain . . . could it be bad habits that I’m trying not to form, but I was doing it for stress and now I’m beginning to like the taste. (But no I can give it up anytime. I only have 4 left anyway . . . well 3 after while.)

Like the fact that I feel useless at this point since I can only comfort my baby through the phone. I want to help and comfort him, and I just need to be with him . . . but no I have a stupid fear of driving . . . damn it.

Like I need to get my tempts, then get enough money for insurance, and then my driving license, get a car, and get extra money for gas. . . just so can be broke when I visit my boyfriend and friends. I really do want to freedom, just not the chance of an accident . . . yes, I know I’m a wuss.

Like I really had a good time last week, and this week I have to go back to my job and reality.

Like I’m so sick of this god-damn cold, and I wish I didn’t have it last week either.

Like I want to chat with my friend Shelly (she’s the sister I’ve never had,) but she hasn’t talked to me since August. . . long story that I don’t want to get into.

Like why the freakin’ local government has to take their good old to tell me whether they think I’m good or bad based on something I didn’t even do in the first place.

Like why can I have my cake, eat it too, and not gain weight. I need to work on my abs.


Like I want to be the peacemaker that even means if I have to do a few acts of violence, but I haven’t had to do that in a while. I usually try to avoid that way at all cause, but if people do get in the way of people and things I really care about . . . I will do whatever is necessary.


Learning experience


Things I've learned in the past week You can show love in many different ways.

Every person is made up of many deep layers.

Sometime keeping it simple is a good thing and sometimes it allows us to think just a bit too much.

I believe if you can put up with someone who is sick then you should able to put with them healthy. ( My baby can do both.)

I also learned to not doubt after the fact something has happened.

I also learned about video games as well . . .

The good guy and bad guy may not be as obvious as they appear.

I have a very enjoyable, busy, and productive week.

I also miss my teddy bear:-)

  • Current Mood
    cranky cranky

A few February Poems

Secrets

She walked away
From it all
No one was there
To see her fall

As she looks back
She knew it was meant to be
Since she knew
He was the only to set here free

Not entrapment
But she lies perfectly still
He was the only one who knew
And the only one that ever will.

An Interesting idea

Walk away
Survive it all
To know the truth
Within the falls

Waiting for this day
For many weeks
And now he never comes
Depression begins to peak

Wondering what exactly happen
The time they were alone
But now has to fight for life
To know much to grow

Time runs weary
As worry wastes away
Wonder if he thinks of her
As she ran away

Time for many others
For many come to think
We're they meant to be
Or was it just a blink

He hope for something more
As she writes her daily prayers
She wonders if he just wanted sex
Or if he really cares

She knows there was so much more
But she think she lost it some how
She knows there was love
But is worried at the now

She always cared for him
As she realized
She had to run

So he can miss her sighs
She was sick of waiting
As she remember his assurance
But now all she doesn't is doubt
As she prayers for insurance

And be to gone
She waits for fate
She needs to be with him
And prays it not to late.

  • Current Mood
    creative creative

Another Poetic Idea

What’s My Head Now

Many feelings pending
Many things I want to become
Many times I felt I’ve barely passed
Many times I had a fear of failure

I’m not sure to be sad
Or just relieved
Apart of me want life
And the other part of me wanted a life

At least I have my teddy bear
All to myself (I will share with his friends though)
I hope to be with him forever
In fact I know I want him forever

I wish he was sure too
As he was before
He gave me confidence
And he now doubts everything

But I will still support him
I wish I knew if I caused that doubt
My stomach is twisted
Is that just cigarettes

Or are too many feeling causing worry?
He just needs to know its all okay
I need to know the same thing
I just I could look in a crystal ball
With 100% accuracy
And have it tell me I we going together
It will say we will
I just know it.

Because I’m not letting go . . .
I just hope its okay
That we’re not making life now
Maybe later . . .

  • Current Mood
    productive productive

When Dreams May Come

I've seen the movie "When Dreams May Come" It's a very interesting impression on the power of love will make you go to even the depth of Hell to be with your soulmate. It's truly an amzing movie. I think I found that person that I would dive through the depths of Hell for. Just for us to relive again in yet anotherlife until we get in right. I would relive 20 millions lives just to be with him. I love my teddy bear. Okay, I'll stop being too smothering now.

Fearful Nostiglia

Talks with old friends

Nostiglia . . . sorry if my spelling sucks, but it does so whatever. For my readers, on the blog I just posted of my fear, I want to rebuttal myself. As I was chatting with an old friend from high school and I even to college with her, I realize I just have to give it time, and trust. It's really hard for me just to trust, I've been hurt many times. Honestly, It's not that I don't trust my baby, it's that I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself even to believe that I deserve a guy as incredible as he is. He has truly be patient and understanding with me. He's alive, sensitive,engeric, sweet, sexy, sacrastic, funny, and everything I want and need and I can go on adn on breging about him. ( Sorry, girls, but he's mine!)

I love him so much.

I picture us in our future living room watching yet another movie (just watching this time) with his head on my lap as I rub his head.

I see traveling the world with him.

I see myself helping him with cooking and baking.

I see my dream wedding and yes baby I know you're reading this i can see you in it! There's no more blue blob, an I'm not just saying that, but i really can see my baby in the tux with teal vest waiting down the aisle. I see carnation and lilacs. I see my perfect wedding dress with every bead in it's right place. It just feels right!

I see him holding my hand while i'm sweating and bitchy while I give birth to his children.(Long time into the future)

I see us laughing together and crying together and most of all just being together. Just like my friend told me I have to get it time and trust. 


My Only Fear


For the last two weeks now, I'm been obsessed about the man of love. He's the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing I think of before I go to bed. He's the greatest thing that has happened to me. He has seen quite of a few of my many sides (some sides no one else has even seen) and hasn't run away screaming.

Right now, I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid of losing my family, I'm not afraid of clowns, spiders or freaks in the night. I'm not afraid of rejection, or anyone hating me or if Jesus Christ came down on this earth again. I am afraid, so deathly afraid of losing the light of my life.

I feel fearless when I'm with him, and like all the world could disappear as long I'm in his arms. Then everything is okay. He makes me feel complete. Apart of me just want to take him, and run away, just me and him, and forget the rest of the world, but I know better. I want him to have friends that care about him as much as I do. I want him to have all the blessings in the world, and to be happy. I just don't want to lose him.

He's already told me several times I'll never lose him, and when he's here I believe him, with all my heart. However it's when he's not here that my mind replays these thoughts almost like nightmares in my head. "That he said he has found someone better" . . . "that is just isn't going to work out" . . . "It was fun while it lasted." I'm just afraid I'm not good enough for him. He's everything I want and need and more. I wish the bad thoughts would stop please. Those thoughts make me fall to my knees and pray to God that he'll never leave me. They make me pray that I would be everything he truly wants and needs.

I've never truly ever been in love before, it's amazing, but I know more than anything in this world I don't want anyone else, but him! I love him. I love my baby! I love my Adam!

I love him so much I would do anything for him. I would move anywhere, I would fight anyone (and I'm not one for fighting), I would do anything for him. I just wish these feelings of fear would stop.

 

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    curious curious