Innocent voice: You gonna be a good girl. Make sure you please your parents. Summit your life to those everyone is pleased with as you should always be obedient.
Reality: I was only taking my major as education to please my father. I wanted him to be happy with me so he wouldn't get mad at me like he did at my mom. I did so he wouldn't think I was wasting my life, but I'm not happy with doing it. I would rather write even if my grammar sucks.
Innocent Voice: Yes, I'm getting up. I'm getting ready for church at 7 o'clock in the morning and yes, I'm happy to be here doing this.*smiles*
Reality: Fuck this shit. I want to sleep in. Then about 11 I want a shower with my baby after some quick midday sex, and then I want cold pizza with my Dr. Pepper. By the way, I am not a freakin; morning person! I'm not always this freakin' happy to be sitting at church at 9 in the morning. I also can't stand the few people that are like they are on happy drugs all the god-damn time. That's really annoying. They're happy morning, noon, and night! They're like "Like Hi. Good morning. Is life just great? Aren't you happy? Come on smile. Jesus Yah." AHHHHHHHHH! I can I have the sniper riffle right there and then.
Innocent Voice: Yes, I'll go to bed early. I'll be good. Yes, I'll watch the boys. Fine, I'll do the dishes. Wake you at 2, right? Okay, I'll help with babysitting.
Reality: First of all, I never remember saying the last sentence. I don't to baby sit anymore than I have to. I've never liked sleeping, I think sleep sometimes just get in the way, especially when I have an idea. If he didn't have just a past of beating the shit out of women, then I would stand up for that one. I don't mind watching the boys when I have like nothing to do, but when I have a term paper due in three hours or I'm about to meet up with my friends then why would I want to watch my little brothers. I also don't mind doing the dishes, but no every freakin' day as she sits on her god-damn ass. That just pisses me off. The only reason I'm good is because I don't want to be hit. I know I'm 22 years old, but if I saw other getting hit, what says I won't get hit myself?
HONEST NOTE: I know sometimes wish I can smother this sweet; people please voice under a pillow. Why can't I stand up for myself and state what I really feel to them?
My friends usually see the real me as I try to be an open book. They know how I'm feeling. However with my parents it's different I lie to them about my feelings. I've lied
so much to them don't feel remorse in hiding anything. I lie to protect my feeling, especially when I've gotten criticized for having a moment of weakness with actual feelings, and emotion. (I'm actually the strongest person in my family during emergencies and such, so for me to have emotion is a big deal.) So I've taught myself to hide it.
For example when they (parents) ask
"Are you okay?" (step mother)
My answer: "I'm fine" * grinds teeth*
Reality: "Bull shit, I'm tired. I'm sick of doing all these chores while you sit on your ass. I just got home from college and I just want a snack and veggie out."
"I want to get my own place and move far way from all of you."
"Hey, Becky, let's go sailing?" (Father)
My Answer: "Sure, okay."
Reality: I really don't want to go every freakin' weekend, but if I say, 'Okay, I guess' or 'Fine whatever,' you won't go and give me a fuckin' guilt trip all weekend. I would rather write my scripts and poems. All my own free time doesn't have to go to the damn family, but I also don't want to piss you off, because I know what kind of monster you can be.
"Becky, you should get a job here . . . it's so close to where I work." (Father)
My Answer: "Okay, how much money am I making?"
Reality: Fuck, why can't say that I want a job I actually like and one that not that close to anyone that can give a message back to my parents to tell them what I'm up to 24/7. I want my own privacy, and a job I actually like. Can my parents please lay off my back, or is that too much to ask?
"Can I go with you on that trip?" (Mother)
My Answer: "I guess."
Reality: Quit following around like a puppy and get your own life. It's not my fault that you don't want to have a boyfriend. You don't have to get a boyfriend, but you could get a hobby other than just trying to find the glory in my shadows.
"Do you mind babysitting?" (From a friend who is like a sister to me and she had drugs)
My Answer: "Sure, okay."
Reality: I don't want to be watching your kid, and have the police break in and with you leaving your stash out in the open. Damn it you're baby can get a hold of it! What?! There is drug money under the bed too. Damn it. Oh and random people are going to come over to collect, what the hell is going on? Get me the hell out of here.
My reality is that when comes to my family I am a people pleaser, but I just think sometimes I don't have the guts to tell them the truth. Would they be able to handle it?
But I thought anyone as I now (5/27/05) that comes in my life I'm going to be an open book, why hide who I am or what I'm feeling?
Thoughts of a Writer
There's no other feeling than a writing a character or a really good story. It's awesome to create your own world where anything can happen. If you're a really good writer, then you can pull the audience into the world with you.
You have total control of the character . . . they can win the metal or get the girl in the end. They can be rich or have nothing, but their wit. You have all the power! As a writer you are god on paper. It's really awesome to be a writer.
You can use words to create a mood such as a pleasant day or a dreary night. You can create new worlds with unicorns and smurfs. You can make talking trees or clouds that taste like cotton candy. All you need is a pen, paper and a little imagination amazing adventures are just waiting to be created at the tip of the pen. So what are you waiting for and go create your own world.
I know I start many of my thoughts with the sentence: There is no other feeling like . . . Except I love singing on stage, and the feeling is an indescribable high. The nerves that flood your body as they fall mellow about half way through the song, is all just a rush. There is something with capturing an audience with just your voice. It's amazing to have your voice flow so angelically over the perfectly blended piano notes.
It's a comfort to sing the chorus or refrain it's like coming home after a hard day at work. It's just like knowing a place were you can take off your shoe and walk around in your sock, it's just a warm, and a familiarity.
The bridge belts out the truth with in the message of the song. It brings the gut busting idea out to see full light at the same time combining the familiarity of home with end of the song, the closure.
It's intense to have a full audience and all of the pairs of eyes watching you. You just to capture them with your presence as well as your voice as you want them to laugh with you and cry with you. It's all about losing control and allowing the song to just take over as you grab the audience while having fun. Then and only then you have musically done something.